for the past four and a half years, i have sort of lived in a daze. i knew what my purpose was, so i kept walking forward and working in pursuit of that goal. but it has been only recently that i have fully explored what my purpose meant. this is a great achievement, and at the same time a loss.
my time spent getting my education was interspersed with a lot of fun times. i would sit in the library and laugh with my friends and play games. i would sit in cars for hours at a time to go visit people or to go to famous cities and have a vacation. the work was, at times, overwhelming, but i made it through. but i never really stopped to think what all of my hard work meant.
it's finally hitting home. i'm going to be moving into full-on adulthood.
for about a month i have been on a major nostalgia trip. i have been dreaming about people and places from my past. i've been watching anime clips that have a profound meaning to me. and i've been feeling pretty melancholy. i've been covering with cabal and crysis, but it has always been there, in the back of my brain. i never really understood it. today it sort of came to a head. the pressure got to me again and i've been in a rather bad mood all day. it didn't get to the point where i was throwing expensive computer equipment around, but it was still there.
i stayed up a little later than i should have and i'm not really all that tired. as i was laying in bed i thought about it. i've let my room get pretty messy, i'm kind of disorganized, and my memory is a little muddled. the last part is probably because i'm still not used to these early mornings so i'm not getting enough sleep during the week. but the first two aren't like me. combine that with my excessive MMO playing and all the nostalgia and i came to a conclusion.
i'm saying goodbye. to my past, to my childhood.
as long as i was in college, i could hold it out in front of me. i could, in a way, pretend i couldn't see around it. i was working towards a goal, but i couldn't really see what it was. i'm starting to put it away and realize that i'm not going to be able to reclaim what i had. i'm not going to be able to watch the end of that one movie and marvel at how beautiful the whole sequence was. i'm not going to be able to show him where all the cheese wedges are in datadyne. i'm not going to be able to turn off all the lights in that house and blunder around blindly in the dark looking for him.
that's not to say i won't have experiences that will equal or trump them in significance. i'm about 25% done here, so i've got a lot of time left and a lot of stuff left to do. i'm sure i've got happy times ahead that will make me feel better than i can even imagine, and i'm sure i have sad times ahead that might bring me lower than i have ever been.
but i won't be able to look at them with that same sense of wonder anymore. instead of viewing them through innocent eyes, they'll be filtered through experience and knowledge. i won't be able to look at a leaf and wonder how it floats, i'll calmly analyze it and ultimately dismiss it as unnecessary.
it's a pity, but i have to come to grips with this. it was bound to happen one day, i just didn't know when it would happen. life is full of goodbyes. this is just another one for me.
you know, i should probably start writing down everything i can remember. i'm sure i'll make a log that will dwarf my blog in size eventually, but i'd like to get it all on paper. i can't say i can remember everything, but most of what i can't remember is from when i was very small. there are a lot of details i can still clearly recollect. i should record them somewhere.
another goodbye. though as bad as i might make it sound...i still smile when i recall these memories. i smile widest when i recall making them.
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