feeling much better

but so very tired

hello my faithful readers.  as open as i've been over the past five years, i figure it's time i come clean.

i'm going to say things in this post that might freak some of you out.  i know i've said that before, possibly in a bout of naivete, but this time i am serious.

i have not been doing that well for the past month.  spending several weeks not knowing if my grandmother was going to live or die has taken its toll on me.  for pretty much all of winter break, i was having sleep issues.  i would wake up in the middle of the night and go back to sleep, pretty much all night long.  however i ignored it, because i was sleeping from 2 AM to 10 AM.  so i thought i was getting 8 solid hours.  little did i know those 8 hours were restless.  so i started to rack up a huge sleep deficit.  by the time i was certain grandma was going to pull through, classes were about to start.

i started out more or less okay.  the first bus never showed up, but i managed to get to my first class more or less on time.  my first day wasn't half bad.  i saw the work i had to do over the semester, and i was preparing myself for it, not knowing i was on the verge of an exhaustive breakdown.

thursday morning came, and presented with the workload for my networking class, i lost it.  i could see my future looming about me and falling apart.  and when i went to operating systems it just got worse.  my last class wasn't that bad, since i know dr. tseng and i know what i'm in for with that class, but i hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours and i could barely walk or see straight.  i wandered around and did some work then came home.  i talked with my aunt for several hours and things were looking at least a little better.

for a time.

i spent the entire weekend relaxing.  i bought Crysis and played it at length.  i seemed to be doing alright.  though when my aunt came to talk to me about my future and my eventual contribution to the house expenses, i broke down again.  i started ranting on about a lot of things i had kept hidden for so many years.  my perceived lack of independence.  my feelings of hopelessness.  after finishing up my homework, i laid down for sleep.

another restless night and i dragged myself out of bed for another day of class.  i went to swimming, and swam myself so hard i vomited.  i came home, and couldn't eat because nothing was appetizing.  i drank some broth, took a shower and climbed into bed.  for the next six hours i tried to calm down and nap.  maybe an hour into each nap i'd be jostled awake by something.  so i didn't get all that much sleep.  chatting with my aunt i uncorked again.  i'm having anticipatory anxiety about my work.  i'm reliving all of the stress and tension that i had in my past.  i talked to her about my second not-quite-a-suicide attempt.  she gave me a sleeping pill and i slept.  i got seven solid hours and three restless hours.  now here i am.  the sleep helped, but i'm nowhere close to 100%

i put some calls in to see my doctor.  i informed her of everything that's been going on.  she wrote me some prescriptions for some sleep aids.  hopefully they will work.  i have an appointment in to see a counselor at the end of the week to hopefully get through some of this stress.  there's only one barrier standing in my way.

money.

i can't afford the expensive health care plans that offer extensive coverage.  my insurance offers relatively basic coverage, and everything depends on whether or not my deductible has been met.  i'll probably only be able to get one perscription, since Costco practically gives them away, but the other one is way out of my price range.  mental health care is expensive, and i can't afford to go enough times to fill out my deductible.  even if i could, there's no guarantee the place takes my insurance.  i won't be able to get care frequently enough to make any kind of progress.

and while all this is beaning around inside my head, i'm at a crossroads.  i mentioned it in my previous post, and i'm still thinking about it.

...and this is probably the first time i've ranted on in my blog about my problems and it hasn't helped.

i need sleep.

so far the semester is off to something of a rocky start.  i just added into one of the three courses i needed to add into, so after i turn in my academic renewal form i'll be set for that one.  the two classes i took yesterday are going to be a chunk of work, but i can manage.

swimming is still up in the air.  the instructor couldn't give out add codes, but from the looks of things i'll be at the top of the list as i am the only graduating senior in the bunch.  but it's still rather nerve-wracking to not know for at least a week and a half.

today is the day i have three classes in a row.  and the first class...scared the hell out of me.  frankly i'm not sure i can manage it with my current workload, and i'm only speculating about the two classes i haven't been to yet.  i'm going to have to give it a good hard think.

dropping it means my fears will be abated, which means i can focus and ultimately be more prepared to succeed.  however it means another semester as i don't qualify for any other electives this semester.

enrolling in it means i'll graduate this semester and get out into the working world.  but if my instincts are correct, i won't be able to handle it and something will happen.

so like i said, i'll need to give this a good long think over the weekend.

this went too quickly

i want more time

kinda sorta finished Fate/Hollow Ataraxia tonight.  i missed three scenes which means my CG collection for Hollow is incomplete, and i have no clue how to play that card game so my Another collection is almost empty.  but given how persistent i can be to get every last CG in visual novels, i should have it buttoned up soon enough.

i played through a good chunk of the game on fast forward, so i finished it way way too fast.  but from what i hear, the encryption's been cracked and the same people who translated Kagetsu Tohya are now hard at work on this.  so no big deal, i won't mind playing through it again.  heck, i might hold off on getting that 100% save file until after the english patch comes out, assuming it ever does.

i read the final portion though.

it's fantastic.  this game was well worth what i paid for it.

SO

it seems i will be without television in about a year.

actually i can't say it will only be me, the entire house will be without TV.

i'm sure some of you have heard about the switch to DTV coming next february.  if you haven't, what it basically means is that all broadcasters have to now send out signals in digital format rather than analog.  this has been mandated by the FCC.  this mandate only applies to over-the-air broadcasts, like what i would pick up if i had an antenna on my roof.  terrestrial broadcasts are more than likely already in digital.  my cable provider, in this case Comcast, converts the signals to analog to send them to my house.  so no worries right?

wrong.  Comcast has decided to discontinue analog service following the FCC's mandated cutoff date.  so on February 17, 2009, my TV will no longer pick up the signals Comcast will be sending us.  neither will any of the other TVs in the house.  comcast offers set-top converter boxes, but no telling how much they'll cost.  even if we take advantage of the rebate offer and buy our own set-top converter, Comcast is still putting their fingers in the pie by forcing us to lease CableCards for ~$2 a month each.  our base rate for basic cable won't change.  so it's essentially a huge ripoff.  so Comcast is out, unless they come to their senses and give some outrageous deal before the switch.

we debated satellite.  seemed like a kickass deal.  ~$42 per month for about 200 channels.  as well, the provider we were looking at has receivers that can send independent signals to two TVs at the same time.  so that would mean decreased leasing costs since we would only need two receivers.  but the more i thought about how that would work, i realized it would become a big wiring mess.  and then it dawned on me: outside wiring.  i called the prospective provider.  it was just a salesperson with no real knowledge of how it worked, but what little i was told was enough.  they run lines outside buildings, which means the install is designed specifically with a house in mind.  we live in a condo.  we can't make huge changes to the exterior of the building.  we can't hang a dish on our roof.  the dish can only go in our backyard, completely opposite from the cable hookups.  so that would mean a mess of cables in the house.  and probably added expense to run so much line.  but even before that, satellite dishes need a clear view of the southern sky.  there are several condos and a large tree that obstruct the southern sky.  it would cost us $60 to have a tech come out just to see if installation can be done, and if it can't we're out the $60 and are left without service.  so satellite is out too, for good.

so unless comast cuts us a break, our TV will go dark when the switch is made next february.

TV is nice, but it's not worth what comcast is trying to suck out of us.  maybe when i can afford it i'll get digital cable in the living room.  but until that happens...it'll be anime and video games only.

though the more i think about it, it's not as if i watch a huge amount of TV anyway.  sure, i'll miss my late night Law and Order marathons, Dirty Jobs, House and Mythbusters, but i can get those shows on DVD for less than what Comcast would suck out of me.  and i'd be able to watch them whenever i want - commercial free.

guess we'll see what happens.

so i'm down to less than a week left.

wish i had had more "vacation" time

well that was kind of freaky.

OMG BIOSHOCK SPOILERS

apparently there is some sort of glitch when you are escorting the Little Sisters around in the Proving Grounds.  if you don't hack the security camera and turret next to the test subjects before the Little Sister starts harvesting the Adam, the event won't properly trigger and the little sister will get stuck in a loop.  it will simply stand around and complain that you're moving too slowly.  and of course your weapons do no damage to the little sister so you can't kill it.  i dicked around with it for a couple hours, even crossing level loads, and nothing worked.  i reset my xbox's cache (so i'm going to have to redownload all my updates) and that didn't seem to work.  so my only recourse was to try my most recent previous save.  bioshock autosaves each time you cross a level load, but thanks to my packrat mentality i would overwrite the autosave as soon as i could and continue to overwrite it until a new autosave showed up.  so i have saves dating back to when i first brought bioshock home last august.  i was under the impression my most recent save in the previous level was a long ways back in Point Prometheus.  actually i had saved just before entering the Proving Grounds, so i didn't really lose any time.  hacking the camera and turret turned out to be the way to go, since i just finished up bioshock tonight.  i started a new game since i accidently harvested one of the little sisters and i want that achievement.  i'll also be able to get that new achievement, since i only used a vita chamber once due to my own negligence.

okay spoilers over.

nothing else to talk about, really.

not much to say, enjoying the relative lull now that Stress is Over.

enjoying hollow ataraxia immensely.  kirikiri definitely allows for a more intuitive navigation than nscripter.

also: http://www.nicovideo.jp/search/Tokyo+crystal+mew

i can honestly say that while watching those i laughed harder than i have in a couple years.  it's not about the vid content, the comments people made just accentuated the content to make it absolutely hilarious.  although if you haven't been exposed to the levels of internet subculture i have you might not find them as funny.

alright well i guess i should shed some light on everything i've been alluding to for the past week or so.

about two months ago me, my aunt and my grandma planned out a trip to Monterey for x-mas.  we had a nice hotel picked out near the beach and had plans to head to one of the best restaurants in the city for dinner x-mas day.  i made the reservation and we had everything set.

about a week before the trip grandma started feeling bad.  she was having some rather serious flu-like symptoms.  we kept encouraging her in the hope that she'd get better, and for a while she was looking up.  but at the last minute she decided to back out.  my aunt and i decided to head out anyway.

we went to the hotel, laid in bed, ate food, and watched A Christmas Story for four hours.  we watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas! and A Charlie Brown Christmas, which i had ripped from VHS to XviD.  we woke up, had some coffee, opened our presents, and worried about grandma.  we called her the day we arrived and chatted for a while, but that day we couldn't reach her.  we called for hours, and nothing.  as our worries mounted, we decided to come home early.  the guy at the hotel was awesome and only charged us for the one night.  the way home we didn't talk much.  when we were about 15 minutes away from home, my phone rang.  it was the distinctive ringtone i set for grandma's cell phone.  my aunt picked it up and we talked for a couple of minutes.  we made a few jokes and i finished driving home.

turns out she just couldn't hear the phone ring.  but when we got upstairs, our jokes stopped since grandma looked like hell.  she could barely eat or walk.  so we drove her to the hospital and spent most of x-mas day in the ER.  we stayed for a couple hours and left.  our worries continued to mount.  grandma had recently started a new arthritis medication, so this could be a serious allergic reaction.

grandma was admitted for a couple days, and soon the truth came to light.  grandma's rheumatologist had increased her medication from three pills per week to six pills per week, since the lower dose had given her some relief with minimal side effects. grandma misinterpreted this as six pills per day.  so she overdosed.  the medication she was on is also a chemotherapy drug, so she gave herself a chemotherapy dose.  which means chemotherapy side effects.

she came home, deteriorated, then was readmitted to the hospital.  we found out the drug was attacking her bone marrow, so her white blood cell count was low, meaning she couldn't fight infection.  bad news just kept pouring in.  my aunt and i had no idea what to expect, so we started planning for every contingency we could think of.

a few days ago we get a call and find out she's going to pull through.  her white count was up and she was feeling much better.  we finally breathe a sigh of relief.  for a while we had no idea if she was going to live or die.  now we know she's going to live.

after some wrangling, she got her admitting doctor to send her to a rehab facility, since she still isn't strong enough to climb the stairs without trouble.  she's going to be there for a few weeks at least.  but she's going to be okay.

we're not out of the woods yet.  we've got a bit of a money crunch, but we should be fine until i graduate and head off to work.

so yeah.  that's what's been up for the past few weeks.

besides reliving my past with SotN i haven't been doing much.  now that i'm no longer in a bad place i'm starting to relax for a change.