I am officially a graduate of San Jose State University.

ALSO PROMOTIONS.

Not much to report.  The allure and charm of the convention has worn thin for me, and as I predicted I am not enjoying myself as I have in years past.  Buying things and watching anime is still enjoyable, but the atmosphere does not blend with me anymore.  And since I am able to watch anime at home and buy things almost anywhere, it's becoming less memorable.  So while I will treasure the memories I have of that place and the days I spent there in years gone by, I'm sorry to say I won't be able to make many new ones.

I hung out with a few guys from #/a/.  We watched some Zetsubou Sensei, then wandered around a bit.  I watched some of Rebuild of Evangelion, then we watched Gunbuster.  We wandered around a bit, went through the dealer's room, then sat in on the Gainax panel.  I bought the Haibane Renmei box set.  Then I came home.

Pretty short series of events, yeah.  We didn't really do much, so like I said, not much to report.

I am so glad I bought Haibane.  I haven't seen it in years, and watching it again makes me feel all happy inside.  I got one episode in and I was already captivated by the music - so captivated I dumped the audio stream and cut out the section I've been listening to over and over for the last hour.  I wanna share it with you.  Like the Aria clip, this one's also a straight dump from the episode, so it's got sound effects and talking.  Enjoy.

Tomorrow something special is happening.  Look forward to it.

All I want to do is hide.
It's graduation day
And everything I learned inside
Didn't seem to pay.
I've had my fill of palm trees
And lighting up Grauman's Chinese.

Tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I've lost the will for fighting
Over everything
And there's a few things I gotta say.
Make no mistake, I'm mad.
'Cause every good thing I had
Abandoned me.

I'm the walking wounded
And I'd say it to your face
But I can't find my place.

So tell me now, what more do you need?
Take me to Walter Reed tonight.
Baby I've lost the will for fighting
Over everything
And there's a few things I gotta say.
Make no mistake, I'm mad
'Cause every good thing I had
Abandoned me.

so, tonight i sat down and finished off Aria the Origination.  at the same time as it was sad to see one of the most moving series i've ever watched come to its final conclusion, it was incredibly motivating and nostalgic.  it's actually kind of amazing, the more i think about it.  every time i've been down, i watch an episode or two of this and it gives me just what i need to come out of it.

a couple years ago i was feeling a little down in the dumps.  i was having a rough semester and just all in all feeling kind of lousy.  but that just so happened to be when i decided to watch Aria the Animation episode 11.  the insert song and the scenery were enough to bring me out of my slump, and i ended the semester on a rather high note.  as well, a little while later i finished off the season completely.  aria always ends on such wonderful notes, i definitely enjoyed my winter break more than i would have had i not watched it.

about a year later, i was ending the semester again.  i was a little depressed.  winter always has two effects on me.  it always makes me relaxed.  winter is my absolute favorite season.  the earth slows down, everyone takes it easy, and i'm able to snuggle into a warm bed and hear the absolute silence of the world through my window.  the other effect...is profound nostalgia and sadness.  christmas has always been a powerful day for me, simply because of how it can bring people together.  the family was more or less scattered across the state, but for that one day we all got together under this one roof.  we sat under a giant glowing tree, drank coffee, opened gifts and ate food.  we forgot everything bad and just spent time together.  and even if we didn't spend time with the family, my mom and i would always go all out together.  many of my fondest memories are reflected in the glow of those tiny bulbs and in the shimmer of glass ornaments.  but as the years moved along, fewer and fewer of us would end up together.  and this year in particular was i believe the first or second year with our current number.  i was feeling very down.  but then...on a whim, i finished Aria the Natural.

it was...so very relaxing, i found myself forgetting the nostalgia and focusing on what i have now.  and i then found myself somehow mixing the wonderful feelings i get when i dive into those memories with the feelings i had right at that moment, and it was a wonderful sensation.  that particular winter marked a big change in my life, and none of the winters that came after were as hard to start.

things moved pretty smoothly afterwards.  fast forward about a month ago.

my workload was overwhelming, and i felt like i was going to be crushed under the pressure.  i wasn't sure what i was going to go.  and in that time, i found a spare half hour and devoted it to Aria the Origination episode 9.  the scene near the end was enough to whisk away nearly all the stress i was feeling, and i slept like a baby that night.  my motivation returned, and i continued to work my hardest.

patiently, it waited for me.  until now, when i needed it again.

my workload is starting to calm down, as the semester is a hair's breadth from its conclusion.  and as i found myself breathing a sigh of relief, i realized just how major everything that's happening around me is.  in less than ten days, i will be finished with college.  and in two weeks, i will have officially graduated.  i was trying to make sense of it all, and everything kept getting jumbled together with fear and more nostalgia.  tonight, after working feverishly on my last group of homework assignments ever, i took a break and decided to finish off Aria the Origination.

the episodes put everything into perspective for me.  watching the events of the episodes unfold made it plainly clear to me.  i realized my nostalgia was resurfacing because i was reminding myself of everything that had brought me to where i am today.  the people who have come, the people who have gone.  the places, the sights, the things.  smells, tastes.  in the instant between the final scene of the anime and the fade to white, i had the urge to throw my hands out and grasp them all one last time.  for a variety of reasons, that is impossible.  but this is the next best thing i can do.

to everyone who has come into my life....i thank you.  were it not for you, i would not be who i am today.
to those who have gone...i wish you all nothing but the best.  perhaps we will meet again, and on that day i will welcome you with open arms.
to the ones i have lost...you will be missed more than you can ever know.  i owe my life to each of you.
the places i have been to and the time spent there...will always be treasured.
the days that supported me on my journey to this place...i will never forget them.
the memories i have accumulated over these two decades....will always be held dear to me.

this is my new beginning.

i don't think i could live with myself if i didn't share this with you all

this week is...the last full week of college.  i have six more days before finals week.

i've had a lot of work to do, but i've been chipping away at it.  i was hoping to make more progress today, but all i could get done was my report for swimming.  i still have homework for cs 154 to do and i need to make some more headway in my 149 project.  i just turned in my 134 project, so that's set.  when i get my 149 project to an acceptable state, that will mark the end of my major stressors.  161 is going to be a lot of work, but nothing too supremely difficult.  same with 158A.  so yeah.  push through the next two days and it'll be downhill from there.

my body is a different story.  a while ago i posted (also my sleeping pills are starting to kick in so if my sentences start to make less sense that's why) about some itchy bumps on my body and in my armpit.  well, as the days went on, a lot more of them started to show up.  the rash has spread to most of my abdomen, parts of my chest, both underarms, parts of my thighs, and it's moving towards my back.  they itch like nothing else, and i'm getting very little sleep anymore as a result.  if the itchyness doesn't keep me up, i usually end up waking up because i start scratching in my sleep.  i saw a doctor at the health center, and she thinks it's either Pityriasis Rosea or an allergic reaction.  i'm not too sure about the allergy thing, since if i were allergic to the soap i'd have the rash everywhere.  Pityriasis Rosea is caused by a virus and resolves itself after a few weeks, but that means a few more weeks of this.  some of the larger concentrations of bumps have sort of merged together into a large patch, which has a thick texture and makes it uncomfortable to bend over.  as well, the rashes themselves generate heat, which is raising my overall body temperature.  i wouldn't say i have a fever, but i'm dang close.  it's also kind of depressing.  i look at myself in the mirror and i look like those low-level monsters final fantasy games throw at you before a boss shows up.  the doctor said my rash isn't contagious, but i should swim with a shirt on so i don't freak people out.  it also burns at times, but that's caused by a lotion the doctor prescribed for me.  it tends to dull the itch, but sometimes i miss a spot, so the itching there gets worse without everything else as a reference.  one of the side effects is burning.  so yeah, this overall really sucks.  the last thing i needed was to contract some crazy illness that does nothing more than make my skin itch.  it's annoying as hell and there's nothing i can do for it, since Pityriasis Rosea has no cure except time.  i just hope it likes chlorine, because i can't miss another day of swimming.

start the semester with psychological problems, end the semester with a medical condition.  all i need is to have all my teeth replaced and i'll hit the physiological trifecta.

normally i would never be up this late on a sunday night, but today is special.  you see, on saturday i participated in a triathlon at SJSU.  it was fun, but i am exceedingly sore and tired.  anyway, i checked my e-mail this morning and there was an e-mail from my swimming instructor.  he congratulated all of us and mentioned monday's class is optional.  so yeah, not going.  need time to sleep.

so i spend the day coding.  i managed to completely finish my game design class project (as completely finished as i can get it, considering i'm working alone).  it no longer crashes (hooray), i've added in real textures for the platforms, fixed almost all of the platform bugs, and added in a boss.  the game's actually pretty hard.  the enemies are simple - they walk randomly and shoot randomly, and their shots are duckable.  the boss moves really fast, shoots in 8 directions almost constantly, and your character can't shoot upwards.  i'm kind of cruel.  anyway i implemented power-ups, a boss character, and fixed most of the bugs.  i would upload it, but it's enormous for such a simple game (thank you XNA and your inability to read compressed data) and i'd be kind of embarrassed.

but yeah, that's one of three projects done.  i have two more due next week.  one i will spend a good portion of this week finishing.

anyway i was getting ready to do my 154 homework and i checked the website for the assignment.  class is cancelled tomorrow.  no way in hell am i going to drive to campus for a 40 minute lecture on particles and animation, so i'm ditching game design.  which means tomorrow is an off day.  i'm going to finish up my work for CS 161 and stretch out on the couch.  perhaps i'll watch that last exile DVD i bought about a month ago.

and again.  eight days fly by as if nothing in the world can possibly restrain them.

my horrendous week wasn't all that horrendous.  monday was an average day.  tuesday was somewhat stressful, as i had my midterm, but i thought it went rather well.  the milestone was kind of rough but that happens.  wednesday was pretty okay, midterm went fine.  thursday was kind of hard, we had a presentation for our project but that went much better than i expected it to.  turned in all of my assignments and felt pretty good.  i am very thankful i got them done ahead of time.  and this weekend...i did absolutely nothing.  seriously.  not a thing.

in fact the only thing i can say was truly bad about this week was waking up with a bunch of itchy spots on my body.  there are a couple in my armpits :/

this week is going to be kind of rough.  i have a second presentation for CS 158A (professor moh noticed a big problem with our program, so she's allowing us to resubmit on the 22nd with no penalty.  she actually gave everyone an extension!) on tuesday, and yet another presentation in CS 161 (once a week jesus christ microsoft would probably pay us to use powerpoint less at this point) on tuesday.  on thursday i have a midterm in CS 149.  not too rough of a week, especially considering i'll have no more tests until finals.  the weekend is going to be rough, though.  i'll have to spend most of my days getting my CS 149 project written, since it's due a week from thursday.  that will be time consuming, but not exceedingly difficult.  i've covered the subject before.

and...i have a confession to make.

the other night in #/v/, the discussion came around to MMOs.  at one point, people began discussing FFXI.  i remembered the time i spent in Vana'diel.  it was kind of frustrating, but fun at the same time.  in the back of my mind, i had always regretted not sticking it out and getting stronger.  but after talking so much, i decided to give it another go.

i dig out my discs and pop them in.  i spend some time installing them, and then it comes time to log back in.  i dig back into my mind and finally bring up my old account info.  i plug it in and get an error.  then i remember "oh right i deleted my account."  so i go to the "new account" screen.  it asks for my reg code.  i look around for one and there's nothing there.  then i remember again: amy gave this to me because she only wanted the expansion.  so she must have the regular reg code.  i try the friend registration code but it's invalid.  so i start digging around on the help site.  i find out that if you delete your account, it can only be recovered within three months.  after that you have to buy a new copy of the game.  so i uninstalled it and put it all away.  the game is fun but i'm not going to buy a second copy.

for a fraction of a second i considered getting back into cabal and/or mabinogi.  i immediately shut that down.  i have some good memories of cabal, and i'll hold onto it to relive them, but the gameplay is too unbalanced.  but then i remembered what my friend alex said, about how cabal is trying really hard to be WoW.  so i did something i never thought i would ever do.

i downloaded the free trial.  i played for a day.  and i then signed up for the game proper.

i spent most of yesterday running, questing, killing, and dying.  so far i'm enjoying myself, but it feels kind of weird to be playing a game i more or less swore to myself i would never touch.

i've added my player info to the online activites thing.  i will add my friend codes one of these days, i promise.

i hope i haven't disappointed anyone ;_;

and another ten days flies by like nothing.

it's almost unreal how quickly time is passing.

i can remember the pressure i was under when i first signed up for these classes.  i can remember going and getting some therapy for all the stress i was under.  i can remember all the stress i was under when grandma was still in rehab.  it feels like such a short time ago, and in reality it's been almost a quarter of a year since then.

i look down at the movie stub on my desk and it reads "3/15."  i still find it hard to believe i went to that movie almost a month ago.

and i'm still sleep-deprived.  i feel like i have finally hit my limit, i've been dizzy all day long.  as soon as i finish this entry, i'm popping an ambien and sleeping for as long as i can.

i just want to talk about my workload a bit.  holy balls.

on the 15th, i have: a midterm in CS 158A and a milestone for CS 161 due.
on the 16th, i have: a midterm in CS 134.
on the 17th, i have: a proposal for a project in CS 149 due, a homework assignment for CS 149 due, several homework assignments for CS 158A due, and a large software project for CS 158A due.
on the 24th, i have: a midterm in CS 149.
on the 1st, i have: that project for CS 149 due.
on the 5th, i have: my final game prject for CS 134 due.
i will have weekly homeworks resuming in CS 154 starting this week.

so yeah.  the next four weeks are going to suck royal.  i can kiss my social life goodbye for the next month.  i can't say i'm behind, as i've finished my homework for CS 149 and 158A, as well as having done my CS 149 project proposal and my part of the CS 161 milestone.  but the project itself is going to be hairy.  my game project started out as a team effort but my teammate has disappeared, so it's now a one-man show.  my group for CS 158A is still somewhat disorganized, so i'm not sure what's going on there.

all in all it's making for a very stressful time.  but i'm surviving.  i'm pushing forward.  i figured it would all come down to this.  just like the king of rohan said: "and the sun still rises!"

also i bought aikora off amazon.co.jp to use in our scanlations over at MQ.  the webraws for that volume are terrible.  i practiced my hand at debinding, and it's actually quite easy.  it took me about half an hour to go through the whole volume.  so now i have aikora in a plastic bag on my desk, all that is keeping me from scanning it is some black paper to prevent bleedthrough.

so tomorrow is going to be a pretty bad day, i can tell already.

it's almost 1:00 AM.  i'm tired, but i'm not sleepy.  i have to get up in about five and a half hours.  i just popped some lorazepam but that'll take some time to work its way into my system.  might have been a mistake, i hope i don't sleep through my cell phone.

i'm feeling so overwhelmed i want to scream.

i would have been asleep by now if it weren't for that damn cat.

i can't even put my frustration into words.

there's only one phrase that keeps coming to mind:

this just isn't fair