August 24, 2008

  • like i've said before, i should be in bed right now.  but i've got a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head and i'm going to try to make some sense of them.

    i think for a while now, despite what i've said before, i wasn't able to appreciate the gravity of my current situation.  or if i was able to appreciate it, i wasn't able to really think about what's going to happen.  it's just impossible for me to imagine what the next forty-something years are going to be like.

    i think back on the last two years, and i really wish i could have had the perspective i do now back then.  intertwined with all the work was a series of feelings and emotions that i didn't even realize i was having until now.  once i was able to relax and decompress from five years of labor, i was able to peel away all the stress brought on by the workload and examine my college life in a new light.  it's something that, if i could, i would relive.  i'm sure that there will be many, many more experiences in my life that i will want to relive with even more intensity, but right now, if i could sit down and stare at a television for five years and relive those moments, i would do it.

    bringing back fragments of those times fills my heart with warmth, and happiness.

    which is why comes next is making my head spin.

    although this is a huge unknown for me, i am stepping into full adulthood.  my second glove has been removed, and all that's left is for me to begin what i was destined to do.  but what's making my head spin is...i feel so strongly about my past, and these feelings have edged out experiences i had in high school that i was sure would stay with me my entire life.  and since i still have another 70-something years on this planet, i will only experience things that will bring out feelings in me strong enough to edge out what i'm feeling right now.

    just thinking that what i'm experiencing now isn't as strong as it gets is what's making my head spin.

    as much as i'd like to continue resting and relaxing, i want to get a head start on this.

    on monday, i'll begin my search.

    however, tomorrow is still free.  so since i have nothing planned, i'm going to do an actual nerd update.  i haven't ranted about anime in a while, so i think i'll cover that.