Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann

episode 15

never has a more epic episode of anything ever been made

i'm a little late for bed, but i'm hungry so i have time to write about the fourth!

i got an invitation to go set off some fireworks with my friends.  i went down and hung out for a while, and since fireworks are illegal in fremont we went down to newark.  we met up, went behind a restaurant and started setting them off.  my camera battery died two pictures in, and they were test shots to get the settings set right, so sadly i have nothing to commemerate the occasion.  there were people on the opposite side of the lot setting off a ton of illegal fireworks, and about an hour after we arrived they had the bright idea to set off an M-1000 about 75 feet away from us.  an M-1000 is equivalent to a quarter stick of dynamite.  as we were that far away from it we were in no danger of being physically hurt, but when you have your back turned and all of a sudden you feel and hear a concussive wave sweep your body followed by the deafening explosion, you think you're going to die.  in the instant after the explosive went off i scanned the area it came from.  i saw one shitfaced jackass running behind a building.  if i had seen the group of them just standing there i would have run over and punched as many of them as i could, cops or not.

sad thing is the cops didn't even come over.  makes me wonder why we even have these laws.  i'm sure if they heard some guy was beating up on the guy who had it they would have come ready to dish out the excessive force.

anyhow we finish up our fun, clean up and head back to my friend's apartment.  i get rather hammered on rum and pineapple juice and spend the night.  i only sleep for about 4 hours before i came home.  the end.

today was pretty good, i played gears of war online for the first time and used voice chat.  pretty awesome.

happy late fourth of july everyone

i would talk about what i did last night but i am very, very tired at the moment.  long story short, i got a little hammered last night and stayed over at a friend's house.  after a few hours of restless sleep i was sober enough to drive home and i haven't been to sleep since.  i got home at 5:30 AM.

i'm planning on letting myself sleep as late as i damn well please tonight, so by tomorrow i should be rested up enough to tell the story.

good night.

well i forgot to post the pics of how i've redone my room, i'll probably do it tomorrow after i get back from the dentist.

SJSU is jerking me around again.  after all of my scrambling to get what i thought was all of my graduation paperwork in order, i get a letter on saturday saying i need to turn in my "graduation application."  nobody, not even my advisor, mentioned that.  best part was today was the priority filing deadline.  i could be faced with some serious delays.  i might not get my degree on time.  my name might not be in the commencement book.  there hasn't been a semester yet where something totally fucking insane hasn't happened.  honestly if that place burns to the ground i wouldn't shed a single tear.

would say more things but i am tired.

okay, made some changes and i think everything's set.  if something looks wonky leave me a comment and i will fix.

also aloe vera gel is kickass.  i got a rather nasty sunburn at wild water adventures, and on my way back home on sunday i stopped at walgreens (open 24 hours woot) to buy a tube of the stuff.  got a small tube for about three bucks and i've been applying it pretty regularly to my burn.  the burn is already starting to retract and the pain fades immediately when i rub the stuff in.  and since there's nothing in it except aloe vera and a few other ingredients to keep it gelatinized and let it absorb and evaporate and stuff i can apply it whenever i want.  i've gone through about a quarter of the tube since sunday.  it doesn't have any frangrance but the smell is kinda nice so i don't mind.

also i got Lifetime xanga today.  i've been posting here for going on five years, and i've been debating getting Lifetime for a while.  now that it's back open i figured i would seize the opportunity.

shower time.

back from fresno a few days early

also you may have noticed i am making some changes here, i am fiddling with the themes system

i'll get everything ironed out tomorrow

i've actually been putting off writing this entry all day.  i didn't want to write down what i'm going to write down because that would make it entirely real.  because in a few months i am going to download this entry and print it out.  punch holes in the paper it exists on.  put it inside a binder.  and then one day, many years from now, i would read it and remember.  i was trying to avoid reality, either by delaying the inevitable or by distracting myself.  but the time has come to try and calm the torrent of thoughts in my head and hopefully make some progress towards normalcy.

1998.  February.  goldeneye had so recently blown all nintendo64 owners out of the water, mischief makers was out, and i was in blissful ignorance of the playstation and its marvels as i would not acquire one until late the following year.  as was the style at the time, i was home sick.  i spent many days at home that year, owing to some unnamed illness that increased my fatigue.  i had dragged my N64 into the living room and inflated the airbed and got set for an intense gaming session.  i was about halfway through the Facility when i heard a noise from outside.

there was a cat in my backyard.  white, black, brown and orange with blue eyes.  her mouth was opening but i could not hear her sounds.

i called my mom.  she said that cat had been coming around a while.  so i let her in and gave her food.  she ate almost two cans of tuna, gulped down some water, jumped up on my couch and slept for 12 hours.

that is how i met Patches.

we immediately bonded.  she identified me as the one who saved her.  she would sleep with me, yowl when she couldn't find me and meow with happiness when i came home.  we fed her all she could eat and gave her nice places to sleep.  she liked to play with feathers and hated pizza delivery guys.  we were inseperable.

when my mom died she was there with me.  she was always there to comfort me in whatever way she could.  whenever anything happened she was there to bring me back up.  she was a constant positive force in my life at times when it seemed everything in the universe was trying to bring me down.  she would be more than willing to follow me wherever i went.

over the last two years i noticed she wasn't running as fast as she used to.  her meows were softer.  she started to take longer but easier routes to get places.  i knew that she was nearing her end, but like a fool i denied it.

over the last month she developed the rather nasty habit of pooping in front of the front door.  i attributed it to a dirty litter box.  so i cleaned the box thoroughly.  the habit did not waver in the slightest.  what's more, she got a bladder infection on friday.  when i heard that my mind threw up a defensive wall and i had no idea why.

as i sat and watched her squat and dribble urine onto my carpet, i felt a wave of guilt and depression.  here my cat was, suffering from huge pain, and i could do nothing to ease it.  all i could do was watch and wait.  at that moment i realized why i threw up a defensive wall.

i was immediately transported to that place.  seeing her lying on the hospital bed, unsure if she was in physical pain, and being unable to do a thing for her except say i loved her before the end.  i felt two pains that day.  one was loss, and the other was a mixture of extreme guilt and depression at being such a pathetic person that words are all i have to give to the person who brought me into this world right before she leaves it.

i realized that every time Patches had an infection i felt this way.  i had just never thought it out before.  it was unbearable.  i couldn't stand not knowing if i was going to feel like cutting my throat out if i came home and she had an infection.  besides, she was losing weight, drinking more, and having neurological problems.

so i made the hardest decsion i have ever had to make.  i decided to take her into the vet to have her put to sleep.

i spent the next two days giving Patches as much attention as i could.  i told her everything that was going to happen.  i gave her her favorite food.  we spent our last night together curled up in a ball.

this morning i call the vet.  i get everything arranged.

i pick up patches and take her outside.  i give her a few minutes in the backyard.  i rub her belly and scratch her head.  i pick her up, let aunt donna say goodbye and put her in the carrier.  a few minutes later i'm in the vet.  my last sight of my beloved animal is through plastic grating as she is taken into the back of the vet.  i sign the forms, pay and come home with an empty carrier.

for nearly 10 years Patches was with me.  she made many unbearable times in my life worth living.  even now i don't believe it's true.  my door is closed so i think i've just locked her out of my room.  part of me thinks that when i open that door she'll be waiting to come inside.

i didn't want to let her go.  but i couldn't stand to see her suffer any longer.

this will probably be the longest goodbye of my life.

something new in my world, and incredible loss.

today was a horrible day.

monday will be worse.

another pointless set of days whittled away in idleness.  with so few behind and so many ahead, it seems as if this summer vacation will draw to a close quite slowly.

unfortunately if tomorrow goes as i fear it will my tranquil days will be interrupted.  i can only hope and pray that i am wrong.